Step 1: Check Facebook. Stalk brother and sister-in-law’s
pages for pictures of new baby. Check email while I’m at it. Ooh, 20% off at
Old Navy. Go back to Facebook, open up a game of Bejeweled Blitz.
Step 2: Stop suddenly. Remind self sternly that it’s time to
take a shower.
Step 3: Lecture 4 year-old sons on appropriate behavior
while Mommy’s in the shower. (“Play nicely together!” “No going outside!”) Latch
kid lock on front door. Walk to bathroom. Leave bathroom door open just in
case.
Step 4: Turn on hot water. Look in mirror while water heats
up. Note to self: NEVER DO THAT AGAIN
Step 5: Step in. Scream. Realize I forgot to turn the water
temp down.
Step 6: Reach for shampoo. See that it’s empty. Try to
squeeze out the last of it anyway. Fail.
Step 7: Get out of shower, walk to closet to look for new
bottle of shampoo. Realize there isn’t one. Dig around for travel-size shampoo
from recent camping trip.
Step 8: Grab towel and walk to kitchen to write “shampoo” on
grocery list hanging on fridge. See that it’s already there from last shower.
Walk back to bathroom, answer no less than 37 questions from kids on the way back.
Step 9: Step back in shower. Lather up with camping shampoo.
Hear kid(s?) screaming bloody murder.
Step 10: Run out of shower, shampoo-y hair and all, to kids’
bedroom. Break up fight over Transformer toy.
Step 11: Resume shower. Shoo dog and child out of bathroom,
but only after answering 37 more questions about what is contained in each and
every bottle in the shower.
Step 12: Shampoo again after realizing how greasy my hair is
after not washing it for (at least) a week. Curse self, and also inventor of
hats.
Step 13: Soap up. Realize that kids are being too quiet.
Rinse off quickly, step out to investigate. See them actually playing nicely
together. Pick jaw up off floor, return to shower.
Step 14: Pick up razor. Start shaving. Ouch! It’s dull. Get
out of shower again, retrieve fresh razor. Return to shower and shave. Hope that
I don’t get armpit razor burn.
Step 15: Get out of shower. Dry off. Then use towel to mop
up huge puddles on bathroom floor.
Step 16: Remember why I only shower when husband is at home.
Vow to wait at least a year before trying that again.
